||[Aug. 13th, 2011|03:01 pm]
i have the loveliest friends, and was so touched by the fun responses to news of good test results about two weeks ago.
unfortunately, i had a less than fun phone call from my doctor yesterday. because of scarring from another operation, she may not have been able to sample cells from the area she needed to access. that "normal" test result may not be valid after all.
this is crushing. people here are telling me that i need to focus on all the good things in my life, which makes me feel like an ingrate. obviously my life is a ridiculous abundance of blessings. i can't even count them all! but dealing with the same health problems for two and a half years is a heavy weight to carry. i am emotionally exhausted. and this news was especially hard for the earlier news of (apparently errant) normalcy.
i am trying to keep my wits about me and move forward, but they're now talking about wheeling me into an operating room for a procedure that is usually done in an office. because of scarring, because it's so painful to bust through (they did it once while i was totally awake and had not had any painkillers. it was pretty awful). i am supposed to be leaving the country in about a month and a half. and i just want this drama to stop. i just want to get on with my life.
i know there is a lesson in here. i know that self-pity is not attractive. i know that compared to others' problems, this is absolutely nothing, and that i am lucky to have access to great healthcare. but sometimes it's the hardest thing not to wallow.