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i think... [Aug. 13th, 2011|03:01 pm]
[Current Mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

i have the loveliest friends, and was so touched by the fun responses to news of good test results about two weeks ago.

unfortunately, i had a less than fun phone call from my doctor yesterday. because of scarring from another operation, she may not have been able to sample cells from the area she needed to access. that "normal" test result may not be valid after all.

this is crushing. people here are telling me that i need to focus on all the good things in my life, which makes me feel like an ingrate. obviously my life is a ridiculous abundance of blessings. i can't even count them all! but dealing with the same health problems for two and a half years is a heavy weight to carry. i am emotionally exhausted. and this news was especially hard for the earlier news of (apparently errant) normalcy.

i am trying to keep my wits about me and move forward, but they're now talking about wheeling me into an operating room for a procedure that is usually done in an office. because of scarring, because it's so painful to bust through (they did it once while i was totally awake and had not had any painkillers. it was pretty awful). i am supposed to be leaving the country in about a month and a half. and i just want this drama to stop. i just want to get on with my life.

i know there is a lesson in here. i know that self-pity is not attractive. i know that compared to others' problems, this is absolutely nothing, and that i am lucky to have access to great healthcare. but sometimes it's the hardest thing not to wallow.


From: notpiecebypiece
2011-08-13 11:14 pm (UTC)
whatever. just wallow.

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[User Picture]From: tendertalons
2011-08-13 11:20 pm (UTC)
*sigh* thank you so much for saying that.
<3 back. xo
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[User Picture]From: bitchy_vegan
2011-08-14 11:02 am (UTC)
It's astonishing how health problems can truly darken the brightest of lives. And it's also perfectly understandable. That's why the saying, "at least you've got your health!" can be actually poignant.

You are NOT ungrateful if you are worried, scared, tired, etc. This news would shake anyone, and that just makes you "normal." It's very easy for other to offer sunshine when they aren't the ones facing scary news.

All this to say, since you are an awesome, generally positive person, you lose nothing by actually having, you know, emotions about this. It's allowed. I hope we can see you soon!!!
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[User Picture]From: kurtmorris
2011-08-14 11:34 am (UTC)
All I know to do is send you *Hugs* from Boston. I know you have lots of people in your life you can talk to, but if for some reason you ever want to chat, just let me know. I'd be more than happy to listen!
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[User Picture]From: xreddan
2011-08-15 03:16 pm (UTC)
Boo to invalid test results and doctors allowing you to think you're in the clear. I know what you mean about the anxiety caused by not knowing what's next. It leaves you on the edge of your seat all day, every day. It's hard to think of much else. No fun, especially with so much neat stuff on your horizon. I hope you get the news you need soon and can start moving in a conclusive direction.
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