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erin*

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also! [Jun. 2nd, 2009|07:51 pm]
[Current Mood | amused]

totally amazing!
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lebanese rock <3 [Jun. 2nd, 2009|07:27 pm]
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pain! i love it. [Jun. 1st, 2009|11:19 pm]
[Current Music |yo la tengo: autumn sweater.]

i seriously think that academics are masochists. or maybe sadomasochists. or something. because we like pain, we really do.

i had a meeting with my advisor today about a seminar paper i wrote last quarter. it was cobbled together in the midst of a pretty major personal crisis, so it was not exactly the best thing ever. still, the things that i have written that he has had the chance to read have, up until now, been annotated bibs, short response papers, etc. he's always liked my writing - he's said that i explain things clearly, which is really nice to hear considering some of the things i read might as well be swahili. and i knew that giving this particular p.o.s. to him was going to be a risk, but a very necessary one.

i'd given him plenty of caveats beforehand, etc., which he kindly brushed off with comments like, "i'm sure it will be FINE!" ahem. so i went to this meeting today and he pretty much told me what i'd known: this shit needs WORK. a lot of the problem is the fact that i am only just getting started on the literature i will need to bring to bear on my topic/s so the western paradigms i'm using as a lens right now are obviously problematic, which i knew. another part of it is that i am so fucking amazed by the things i've found that they come off as totally spectacularized instead of...oh i don't know...what they really are.

point being: i have so so so so so so so so x's at least 500 to learn.

don't get me wrong - those two (huge) problems were not the only ones, but those were the ones that stood out the most as i start to really dig into my research. i know so little, comparatively speaking, about cultural theory, etc., and even less about the region i want to research. i have no solid experience there, etc. all i know is it's been calling me since i was eight years-old (don't laugh - it's true and there's a story to go with it) and that there's a LOT going on musically in beirut and other cities in the arab world.

on top of what i have to learn, my writing is really going to have sharpen up too. i'm not even entirely sure HOW to write a social science-based piece of writing. before this i did close readings and brought canonical theories to bear on canonical texts. the necessity of doing things differently is finally becoming very real. i just wish i knew how to do it. but i suppose, as my mother is fond of reminding me, that that is why i am in school.

today the learning curve just seems sharper than usual. and that is not really a bad thing. in a way maybe my position at this particular moment, a total newbie sponge, is actually a stronger position to inhabit than how it presently feels. i'll try to embrace it and pay no attention to how much my ego may smart along the way.

and speaking of ego - today wasn't crushing. in fact, it was wonderfully helpful and nitin is exactly the kind of advisor i want and need. i am, however, in an intensely egomaniacal way, worried that he thinks less of me for that paper. brad (hi brad!) always laughs at me for worrying over professors' (apparently? hopefully?) non-existent worrying over my work. i'll try not to, but you know that old impostor complex: just waiting around till they find you out, hoping they don't but sure they will - something that is not at all helped by my fear of disappointing people.

so here i am. lots of thoughts to take along and mull over, painfully aware of my shortcomings, but excited that they mean multitudinous possibilities for new experiences and awarenesses.

xox

EDIT!!!
but i TOTALLY forgot to mention THIS!: we figured out two (potential/probable) qual paper topics. and that is a triumph for real!
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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2009|11:59 pm]
i am drunk.

these unexpected, perfect moments, drinking vodka and beer in the parking lot of some sort of tired but still standing anarchist collective. or not in the collective but the building that houses it and its vegan potlucks.

taking swigs from a bottle that tastes like already-mixed white russians and talking to a friend about "the big lebowski." how appropriate!

i cannot be held responsible for anything.
i am drunk and too privileged. a nd i know both of these things.

but tonight i confessed our secret - what happened in your father's house, on the floor, in the guest bedroom. i was embarrassed, but this person who i hardly know leaned against a tree, taking sips from the bottle, listening. it made sense to him, he smiled. and it was nice - there's no better word for it, i'm sorry - saying what i've never told anyone, how strange that night was, and how beautiful.

there are these people we meet in passing or for extended stops along our way that make a difference. and the moments counted are beautiful and too few. i am thankful for tonight and for that night seven years (!!!) ago and for the nights we still talk on the phone.

there is nothing else to say. i am happy i am drunk i have been filled up and brimming over with music and words about music and life and friendship and love and friendship that is love but not quite.

thank God for today and for yesterday and for all the days lived in between.
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sound of summer. [May. 24th, 2009|12:20 am]



this performance is sheer joy!
just look at their faces!
spazzyfuzzybrilliantsounds.
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so beautiful. [May. 20th, 2009|02:18 am]
today i picked up one of my best friends from the airport. in the past three months, he has lost both his grandmothers, his father and, this weekend, his best friend. what he has experienced is more than i can wrap my head around, and yet he is still going. i know that he has had moments where he has lost it and that these moments will continue, but the way that he is dealing with his losses - so honestly and with such grace - amazes me.

another close friend of ours and i got him at the airport, wrapped him in hugs, and drove him down to our favourite taco + beer place in pacific beach. we ate fish tacos and drank a pitcher, laughed at the too-muscly bros, admired the pelicans - their flight like a cavalcade of kites above us, and talked about his best friend. we toasted her, this person i had the pleasure of meeting only twice but who left a lasting impression with her warmth and humour.

the first time i met her was at this same taco place. the crew that day was her and her husband, my friend, and another mutual friend of theirs. i immediately felt comfortable around her - she was easy to laugh with and told wonderful stories of my friend's embarrassing exploits. as we walked out of the place to stroll along the boardwalk, i leaned into him and told him how wonderful she was. he whispered, "welcome to la familia."

we ended up at a coffee shop that day, a two-storey place right on the beach. once we had made our way to the upper balcony, we realized that she wasn't with us. soon enough, we spotted her waving, still down on the boardwalk, looking up at us, camera poised to capture the moment. we all protested, calling her up so that she could be in the picture too, but she waved us away, and snapped several photos, smiling in between each one, directing people to scunch closer together, to stay out of the shadows. she finally relented to our requests and, entrusting the camera to a man on the patio, made her way up to us. there are pictures with her in them now too, and they are the best ones.

so today we three - my two close ones and i - walked down the beach and felt the sand and cold water between our toes, made a kelp whip out of a stranded bed, found shells and marveled at the forever-path of sunlight and shine stretching far and away over the sea. i hope she is as blissful now, wherever she is, released from pain and set adrift to live in a collective memory, a tiny part of which i am grateful to share.

this afternoon, too, was a moment to hold onto, a microcosm of what friendship should be, the dark leading into the light, the light illuminating the threads we have woven that tie us together despite deadlines and distance and the onslaught of time. i am thankful for these two. and for you and you and you. the moments we share never seem like enough, but truly they are.
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academia. [May. 15th, 2009|05:12 pm]
perhaps i don't present my ideas with enough panache or certitude. or maybe they're just a bit fluffy. but i don't always think so.
today was a bit of an academic "lose" in my book. i've been thoroughly enjoying the readings in this class on fandom offered by the music department. on top of that, the professor is funny, smart, and kind, a combination that makes me feel at home and more willing to contribute to discussion than i normally do after i enter a seminar classroom and the inevitable neuroses set in.
every once in a while, though, i'll say something and my classmates will just sort of look at me like, "whaaa?" and it's sort of an "oh shit" moment where my thought-response is something along the lines of:

was that clear?
yeah that was clear, it was just painfully simple.
God erin*, you need to think harder about these things.
everyone is judging you right now.
i mean REALLY. you need to think harder about these things.

but sometimes i'll feel like i really do have something to say that is probably decently important but gets sort of pushed to the wayside. today it was one author's conflation of "religion" with "cult," and vice versa. it was also the fact that the way fans engage in gendered ways with representations of their idols needs to be historicized. why did fallen angels or sad innocents (james dean, elvis presley) rise to stardom in the 50s? why was john wayne so popular in the years following world war ii?

but i brought that up today and the professor (who i really respect, which is what made this so frustrating) sort of looked up from her book, raised an eyebrow, and said, "hmmm?"

*heartache*

i mean, really. what the fuck? the boys in the class were having some ultimately fruitless conversation about the nature of "ironic fandom" that went in circles without ever concretely acknowledging that there might be multiple iterations of irony, and therefore ironic fandom, so many of them dependent on the situation/expectations of both the viewer and her/his object/art piece (more specifically, the makers of the piece), etc.

i just get so FRUSTRATED sometimes. i can write through these things, but on-the-spot, i sometimes feel completely useless. what the hell am i going to do when quals come around? or, worse yet, job talks.

i've got this like burning knot in my stomach right now. i push myself - obviously, because i never used to talk in class - and maybe this is all part of learning and honing your speaking skills. but in the meantime, walking out of seminar is frequently accompanied by a very visceral urge to punch something.
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ta-booteh* [May. 9th, 2009|01:11 am]
[Current Mood | silly]

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show(that head)case. [May. 4th, 2009|09:02 pm]
well, the crash that was inevitable finally came last night. i thought i might avoid it, but...naaaah. the last three months have been, as my little brother would say, "a lot" in both very stressful and very wonderful ways. so last night needed to happen, and i managed to pull my shit together and get to l.a., grandma faye in tow, today for nic's showcase.

even though i know i needed to just let down, i feel weird about it. i have friends and family who are going through such major-major things right now and the things that have been happening in my life feel so small in comparison. i try to keep things in perspective, but overwhelming is overwhelming.

on the way into nic's showcase, one of his classmate's mothers looked at me and said, "so what has it been like being nic's sister? have you had to live in his shadow a little bit?" now i'm not always quick on my feet, but them's fightin' words. and so i said, "no, actually. i have my own shadow," and i smiled and winked at her. she said something lame like, "oh how nice for you! so what is it that YOU do?" and i told her about going for a phD in communication, to which she replied, "oh how wonderful! i LOVE communication!"

no shit.

apparently she is a psychiatrist. go figure, huh?

anyway, nic rocked the living shit out of his showcase and i was so so so so so so so proud. he completely blows me away every time i see him onstage. if that's the shadow i'm "living under," it sure is a hell of a beautiful one.

xox
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my students are hard at work... [Apr. 29th, 2009|10:58 am]
[Current Mood | amused]

and i am updating this fucking thing. zing!

i had a dream the other night that the obamas had taken up residence in my childhood home on wagonwheel way (cue dueling banjons). it was a white house, but in this dream, it was THE white house. i remember being vaguely concerned that there would not be enough room for michelle, sasha, and malia and their entourage of secret service. and where was the bowling alley, man? oh wait...

so there was obama, washing his hands at our kitchen sink, and he was giving me a look. not a nice one. i said hello, and he said, "hello, erin," in this really formal voice. i thought, "hmm...someone seems testy today." oddly enough, he was getting along *famously* with my notoriously republican grandma. they were cracking jokes, she was cooking for him, etc. when he finally left the room, she turned to me and said, "you know, erin, barack and michelle have some problems with you."
"like what?" i asked.
"well, they don't like your politics, for one. also, they don't know why you are bothering to study what you are studying. and furthermore, they hate the way you dress."
"what's wrong with the way i dress!?"
"they think you wear too many bright colours."
she walked out of the room, and obama walked back in and resumed washing his hands. i looked down - i was wearing a black tank top and a black skirt...topped off by my bright-ass lime green sweater.
"hey, barack," i said. "you like my sweater?"
he turned to me slowly, still washing his hands, looked me up and down and said, sternly, "yes, erin. i think your sweater is nice."
once he had left the room, i turned to my mom's sister, who was lying on the couch (keep in mind that she and the particular grandma who was in this dream RARELY hang out), furious. "what's wrong with what i wear? what the fuck is his problem?"
"well..."
"i mean, michelle wears loads of bright colours!"
"yeah, i don't know, erin..."
"does he have a problem with nic?"
she turned on her side to look at me. "no, erin. nic is the golden child and he totally deserves to be and it's always going to be that way so you should just get over yourself. barack loves him best."

and then i woke up.

whoa.

earlier in the evening, not-in-my-dream, i had talked to my brother. despite the fact that he has been privy to everything that has been going on in my life, he didn't even ask how i was doing. and it hurt. on the one hand, i was overjoyed to the point of bursting to hear about all the exciting things coming up in his life. i am so proud of him, prouder than i can express. on the other hand, i wanted to sock him in the nose.

i guess dreams really are ways to work through things. or get dissed by the prez. whatever.
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fuzz. [Apr. 27th, 2009|10:45 am]
[Current Mood | curious]

you know how sometimes when certain things end, your ability to listen to certain music also ends? i haven't been able to listen to the national for nearly a year and a half. and then i found this homemade video someone did for this one song that has particular significance. and it's set to clips from a godard movie. it's uncanny.

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some good things. [Apr. 3rd, 2009|11:07 pm]
[Current Mood | calm]

* had first music seminar of the quarter today with wonderful professor, nancy guy. it's a seminar entitled "adoring performers" and the texts we are reading are all about fandom/fan culture, etc. we're reading an entire work on springsteen fans as well as quite a few texts on elvis (+ religion, masculinity, etc.). jonathan is in that class, which pleases me to no end. more j. piper in my life is always a good thing.

* this is really interesting. check it out. i'd really like to hear your thoughts on it.

* this song blows my mind. too pretty. and perfect.

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five bands that defined college for me. [Mar. 27th, 2009|02:08 am]
[Current Music |the smashing pumpkins: drown.]

for various and sundry reasons, and in no particular order.

the smashing pumpkins
air
sleater-kinney
the smiths
neko case

i am missing bloomington terribly right now.
for various and sundry reasons.

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*.*.*.* [Mar. 24th, 2009|10:51 am]
[Current Mood | tired]

life is a bit of a jumble right now. unexpected news means a lot of decisions, a lot of roads opening up and asking to be taken. i am trying to focus on the immediate, on what is right in front of me, but it's hard. i want to feel grounded and safe and i just don't right now.

i had a good talk with an old friend last night. we talked about the task of decision-making, how it's always riddled with doubt, how it makes us feel insecure and afraid. it was so nice to share those thoughts with someone i care about so deeply. and i guess the conclusion we came to was that decisions seem so big when you are facing them, but we have made a lot of them in our lives, and still we are here and we survived.

i decided to take my first incomplete ever because of all of this stuff. i should be able to finish the paper in a couple of days, though. i just needed the extra time and space. but i had to go over to the music department today anyway to fill out a form. the secretary would not let up that i probably wasn't being specific enough. finally, i was like, "look, it's personal." and she said, "well, the registrar may ask for more information, and if they do, i'll call you." fine. i'm hoping that this doesn't happen - i'm assuming it won't.

i wish i could have a break. instead, i'll be up all night writing with lauren, hopefully finish this thing tomorrow, and then i have to move on to more data-collection and interviews. i guess this is good practice for the years ahead when i really will not have a break, when weeks empty of classes and teaching will be filled with research and writing. but given everything that has happened in the last couple of months, i sure could use a few days off right now.

xox
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* [Mar. 18th, 2009|09:33 pm]
who knows if the moon's
a balloon,coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?
(and if you and i should

get into it,if they
should take me and take you into their balloon,
why then
we'd go up higher with all the pretty people

than houses and steeples and clouds:
go sailing
away and away sailing into a keen
city which nobody's ever visited,where

always
it's
Spring)and everyone's
in love and flowers pick themselves

- ee cummings (1925)
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new plan. [Mar. 15th, 2009|09:57 pm]
[Current Mood | hopeful]
[Current Music |the breeders: mountain battles]

i met with nitin on friday to talk about options for my summer. he's good at steering me in fruitful directions. so...

should things go according to it, this will be my summer.

6-week intensive beginning arabic course at san diego state starting at end of may and running into july. (5 days/week, 4 hours/day)

teach second summer session (early august - early september)

spend two weeks in beirut at the end of september, pounding the pavement and getting the lay of the land (as if that were possible in two weeks! still, it will be a good beginning).

i am so pumped. : )

xox
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breaking down doors, etc. [Mar. 12th, 2009|07:20 am]
when life closes a door, sometimes you have to break that mu-fucka down. am i right?

i found an program in beirut. and i applied. and my advisor should be getting the rec form soon. and it is something i am willing to take out a loan for because hello, beirut. it's at the lebanese american university and they have excursions etc. it's expensive, but i'd rather take out a loan for this than UCLA or even middlebury. it just seems far more worth it to me.

so...yeah. just trying to get myself more options.

thanks for the advice, dudes. it helps to feel like you're not totally fucking up. thanks for making me feel like that.

xox

EDIT: just called syrian embassy re: visa. looks like it shouldn't be hard to get. the ma'had is still a possibility. and applied to program in beirut. back on the horse and trotting, at least.
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summer plans = laid to waste. [Mar. 11th, 2009|10:54 am]
[Current Location |the office.]
[Current Mood | determined]
[Current Music |new young pony club: grey.]

so i got into middlebury to study arabic this summer, and i had applied for their kathryn davis fellowship to cover all the expenses, which amount to more or less $10,000. i felt good about this, because i had heard that even if i didn't win the fellowship, middlebury had a lot of financial aid to throw at grad students. worst case scenario, i thought, i'll just take out a loan for a few thousand dollars to cover what wouldn't be covered by financial aid. it would be totally worth it.

so yesterday i found out that i didn't get the fellowship. bummer. but then i called the middlebury financial aid office and the dude on the phone was like, "oooh yeah. financial aid packages have been put on hold till we find out who amongst the fellowship recipients accepts and who declines. hopefully some funding will free up." and i said, "okay, so basically you're telling me that you're nearly out of funds?" and he said, "yes."

well, fuck. they haven't even gotten to my application for aid yet.

so i'm out my summer plans and feeling foolish for being so single-minded about them. i wrote to my advisor, telling him how heartbroken i am over this, and he wrote back a wonderful email about how a lot of this is the economic climate, etc. in my upset i hadn't even considered that. ha. God, erin*...

so i need a plan B and i am ready to find one. UCLA has an arabic program, which i wouldn't mind taking out a loan to attend. but i'm sort of not set on that. the way i see it, i have two fairly concrete options right now:

1. go to UCLA. take out a loan of about $5,000 to do it. start learning arabic this summer. that would be cool, and would give me a leg-up as far as language goes, right? and the earlier the better...

2. stay in SD, TA for the summer, work on organizing a festival i have been thinking about for too long and doing nothing about, work on producing a publishable piece of writing from a paper i'm just beginning to write (which is promising but will need a lot of attention), apply more widely next year and hopefully get funding that covers all expenses (or at least most). delay in learning arabic, but better financially, and possibly will look better on CV (getting funding is a good thing).

thoughts, anyone?

this quarter has been exhausting on a number of levels, and i am ready for it to be over, but also really determined to keep on rocking it out.

xox
erin*
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biopsia. or whatevs. [Mar. 8th, 2009|04:14 pm]
[Current Mood | busy]

i had the biopsy on thursday, and it went well. apparently i now know what a labour contraction feels like. huh. good to know.
the doctor said she didn't see anything terribly alarming. thank God. thank God thank God thank God. i'll get the test results in about two weeks. right now, i am holding onto the fact that nothing looked scary. that's good.
end-of-quarter stress is always a lot of fun. i am *still* waiting to hear about middlebury funding. i just changed my seminar paper topic, 1.5 weeks before it's due. hahaha. wow. i rule. my students shot forth their ire regarding midterm grades over the past two weeks, but i gave them a stern talking-to on wednesday and have not heard a single complaint since. i am sorry, but i am simply not responsible for your education. sheesh!
had loads of grandmatime this weekend, am sending good thoughts to NYC where nic is auditioning for a big grant and doing showcase (the seniors at carnegie-mellon perform in NYC and LA to try to get gigs before graduation in may), and am awaiting the arrival of red cowgirl boots in the mail and my redheaded friend courtney from arizona (on an airplane, not in the mail). recorded last weekend and am recording tonight and blah blah blah. i really need to make time for a real entry sometime soon. also i just found out that dave matthews recorded a version of ani's "joyful girl." good God!
i should say more about grandmatime: last night i slept over at faye's place. she made mujadara and salad and we concocted the most delish ice cream sundaes, which we ate while watching "burn after reading" and "changeling." last night and this morning we had a bunch of heart-to-hearts. that woman is outspoken as all hell and has some great insight into...well, everything. i don't always agree with her, but she never fails to give me her honest opinion on things and it's always nice to be able to bounce things off her. she also divulged a fair bit of family history, merely stoking my lebanon-fire (much to her chagrin). : )
back to it.
xox
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so fucking brilliant: mickey rourke's acceptance speech. [Feb. 27th, 2009|10:46 am]
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